"I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included." ― Steven Wright Topic(s): Funny More From Steven Wright "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’" "I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy." "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time." More In Funny "I failed to make the chess team because of my height."― Woody Allen "Nothing’s funny about someone who’s successful."― Drew Carey "Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication."― Lord Byron