"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." ― Joan Rivers Topic(s): Funny More From Joan Rivers "Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television." "Yeah, I read history. But it doesn’t make you nice. Hitler read history, too." "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present." More In Funny "At boarding school you had to wear your name across your chest and your back, and obviously I had a pretty funny name. It wasn’t Brown or Smith or Hughes."― Diane Cilento "I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."― Billy Connolly "As a writer, or as a filmmaker, you have to present yourself, and part of what yourself is is what you’re interested in, or what you think is funny, or what you think is sad, or what you think is horrible."― Charlie Kaufman