Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Jay Leno

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

Jay Leno

You aren't famous until my mother has heard of you.

Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

Jay Leno

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Jay Leno